I have avoided writing for some time now. I suppose, like most people, I’m fatigued. Zoom fatigued. COVID19 fatigued, Change fatigued. Decision fatigued. Why are you so racist? Fatigued. Wear a mask and avoid people fatigued.
I’m tired. I’m grumpy and if there was a dwarf named angry, I’d be her too!
And I don’t have answers. I only have more and more questions. I seem to lack the energy to pick up those questions, pull them apart and chew on them.
I have lots of opinions based on my critical analysis of what I read and hear. Thinking, analyzing and critiquing are my go tos when I’m fatigued and overwhelmed. And I tend to stay there. I tend to get stuck in the thoughts.
I won’t burden you with my thoughts and opinions about COVID19 or race relations. I’ll refrain from sharing my thoughts and insights. I’m afraid it will only further divide or I will be subject to even great scrutiny or it will sound defensive. I don’t feel right about it right now. Maybe later. For now, I’ll do the work through journaling, SoulCollage, reading and other things.
I think the uncertainty of what to blog in this somewhat public space is that I’m still ruminating with things and I don’t feel completely free to express myself. Simply put – I feel incredibly vulnerable in this space at times.
And alone – I feel alone with my grief, rage, uncertainty, insecurity, and abandonment. In one respect I’m no different from the rest of the humans on the planet, I suppose. I think some are able to consider it less than I do. Yet, I look at my situation and count the many blessings I have. I still have that lingering anxiety and fear. Pema Chodron suggests we lean into fear and anxiety, embrace it with compassion and develop a heart of the bodisattva for ourselves. Jesus teaches to love our neighbor as ourselves.
In a nutshell, it seems we need to show compassion to ourselves, to our wandering minds, to our aching hearts, and even befriend those naysayers in our minds and hearts. The message is – Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Just take a step.
We started the process of creating a labyrinth in our backyard a few weeks ago. There is the practical pieces of how and what materials and laying it out but there is also the spiritual aspect of the construction. Labyrinths have existed for thousands of years and labyrinth is an archetypal a symbol of a journey. At one time, labyrinths graced the floors of cathedrals throughout Europe where pilgrims could walk them symbolizing a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Their journey began with taking a first step. The path toward the center is the same path to return.
I sent an intention at the beginning of this process asking for patience, perseverance, hope and above all Grace. Hope that we will complete the construction. Hope that it will provide a place of peace and a walk of peace for me and for those with whom I share it. And Grace for the project.
Go gently. Take one step at a time. Set your daily intention for patience, perseverance, hope and Grace. If I can provide company and companion you on your journey, please reach out. I remind you that you are not alone and in doing so, I remind myself.
Peace and all good. Be well. Be safe. Blessings.
Christy
This blog is not intended to serve as individual spiritual direction. Spiritual direction and spiritual companioning is typically done face to face in a confidential setting or can be done via Zoom or other virtual platform. If you would like to explore one on one spiritual companioning, group companioning, SoulCollage©, the Labyrinth or Reiki, please contact me. If you, your faith group, your church or your book club would like to know more about spiritual companioning, please contact me to schedule an informational workshop. In the meantime, my hope is that the photos and this blog serve as a pause in your day, food for thought, or just a reminder to breathe in and breathe out all that is holy and good. The Divine Milieu is all around us. Thank you all for prayers, vibes, positive energy and support.)